Ashley asked the question, "How do you build relationships?" in class and I really started to think about this. This made me wonder why my roommates, family, coworkers were really close to me and why some acquaintances and neighbors or even roommates were not as close. I think those that I have developed good relationships with are those who share and give, as well as accept and receive and I reciprocate those actions as well. In some situations the reciprocity is equal but I have found that if I truly love someone and feel connected to them there is not a issue of equality in the reciprocity of our relationship.
The ways I have developed these type of relationships are by becoming humble enough to ask for help and to accept help from my loved ones. This has been hard for me in the past and a real block to my ability to connect with others. Because I love to serve others but avoided ever being served, even if I needed it. I also believe sacrifice is a major component of my close relationships. My father once cleaned out my car after weeks of me denying him that opportunity and when I was surprised with this service my love grew tremendously for him. When I sacrifice for others I feel I love them more and I feel more loved by someone when they sacrifice for me. My roommate Tabitha told me she wanted to support me in my different eating restrictions and notified me she'd be less of a penny pincher and eat more fresh vegetables with me. That meant a lot to me too!
I mentioned that pride, inability to accept or receive, was a stumbling block for me in building relationships. In class Dave stated another struggle I often have when building relationships. He said that sometimes when we are insecure we feel a need to find a solution or make a decision to define or clarify whatever we are being insecure about and that this can at times distance us from others. It is indeed hard to deal with uncertainty but the reality is things are not always going to be clear upon first introduction. It may take many encounters with a person or situation before we begin to see the most appropriate way to act.
This is especially applicable when traveling to another culture. When put in a new, different situation or environment we will feel uncomfortable or inadequate to respond in a new social context. We will be insecure and feel a need to quickly and keenly observe appropriate behavior so we can implement it to blend and fit in. But as I mentioned previously we may not observe perfectly or understand how to behave even after a dozen encounters with the same situation. To fix our feelings of insecurity it is easy to make a hasty decision about appropriate behavior, even if it isn't appropriate, so we can feel assured of ourselves again. This way of dealing with insecurity can cause problems of distance or disrespect when trying to build relationships. I think a more healthy way to deal with the uncomfortable nature of traveling cross culturally is to recognize we will be insecure at first and that it will take time to find even some of the answers to our questions. If we realize our observing and learning of culturally appropriate behavior will extend across our entire stay we can avoid the pitfall of assuming we know enough and shutting ourselves off from future valuable learning experiences.
I love your thoughts on insecurity and your insight on the way we tend to view insecurity as something to be "fixed" as quickly as possible.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me wonder if it is possible or preferable to move away from the perception of the state of insecurity as "broken,” implying the need for it to be “fixed.”
I imagine this sounds a little absurd on the one hand. Security is closely associated with liberty, and liberty gives volition, the important ability to act on agency. Security is included in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and described as a right in many national constitutions.
So what is security? One definition of security reads: “That which renders a matter sure; an instrument which renders certain the performance of a contract (Bourviers law Dictionary 6th Edition).” Many other definitions include descriptions like: freedom from doubt, fear or anxiety; something given; free from risk of loss, protection, assurance. Certainly some degree of assurance and consistency are required to live a functional and fulfilling life. But if we believe in such a thing as over-confidence, it seems there could just as easily be over-security; a notion largely absent when we speak of security and freedom. To what degree is security a human right? Is it possible that one’s security may be dependent upon someone else’s insecurity?
Curiously, the Merriam-Webster online dictionary definition 1 a, given an archaic usage label, defines security as “unwisely free from fear or distrust,” implying that there are different ways of being free from fear or distrust. Could then some degree of insecurity possibly include being wisely free from fear or distrust? Or better stated, could it actually be wise to continually experience some degree of insecurity, a state of being in which we are not necessarily “broken,” but wise? I love your description of the way we deal with insecurity and how much more could be learned in the space we fill with “fixing” if we were willing to leave it empty for a while.
Are there ways we could shift this perception? What are your thoughts?